I’ve been on a roller coaster the past few week. I started out on such a high after Saturday that the low I hit on Tuesday felt like the ride had crashed off the track. But then Wednesday, something awesome and fun and exciting was put into motion and it makes me feel like a kid waiting for Christmas.
High. Low. High.
The result: I feel tired. Kind of drained. And a little bit like Jekyll and Hyde. ;)
It hasn’t helped that this week I’m doing my highest mileage ever for the week…and for a day. The plan calls for 95 miles for the week and a 50 miler on Saturday. My first 50 miler! I’m excited about it but also nervous.
Oh, and I started my period yesterday.
Yeah, I’m telling you this week has been a WILD ride. I would like to get off now…
The worst part is that my confidence has been kind of shot. I feel like someone took me out at the knees and I haven’t been able to stand fully upright again yet. And I feel helpless. Like I can’t defend myself because that would only feed into their agenda/opinion. And like I don't know what to do so I do nothing. I hate feeling like this.
The old Lisa would be eating everything in sight. The new Lisa is having to bribe herself with her favorite foods to eat. I’ve had zero appetite for a few weeks now. I’ve lost 8 lbs in the past few weeks without trying. The one good thing about it is that I definitely feel lighter while I’m running.
Anyway, this all started on Monday (I got a preview of what was to come on Tuesday) and I started thinking about the 50 miler and suddenly, I just didn’t think I could do it on my own with no incentive to keep going. And the weather forecast for Saturday here is 105. Ugh.
I took the easy way out and signed up for a 50K in Santa Monica (where it’s only supposed to be in the 80s). I feel wishy-washy about this. Sometimes I'm glad I did it because I'll get to meet Dani (@nanyob) and have fun and then sometimes I'm mad that I didn't suck it up and just do it here. But I signed up for it so I'm going to run it the best I can.
So here’s the plan: I’ll run the Summer Spectacular 50K first and my plan is to PR it which means I need to do it in under 7 hours. My goal is 6:15. This means the first 31 miles of my run will be supported and with company for motivation/fun/encouragement. Then after that, I will change shoes and load up my pockets with fuel and my bottle with water and head out for another 19 miles. My dream for these bonus miles would be under 4 hours because my goal for the 50 miles is under 11. I would be happy with 12 though. I guess. I just don’t know. I suppose I shouldn’t do this with any goals but I think if I don’t put a goal out there, I’ll take too many breaks or do too much walking like I did at the 12 HRs.
I am nervous and anxious about this but determined to get it done. And to do it strong. Running is the ONE GOOD THING in my life right now and I want to do it right. I need to do it right. I need to run strong and be strong, physically and mentally.
I’m just so afraid I don’t have it in me right now.