Monday, September 24, 2012

If You Don't Have Anything Positive To Say

Then shut the EFF up.

I'm talking to myself here. That's kind of why I've been mostly absent from Twitter. It's way to easy to wallow there and that's what I feel like doing right now. But I can vent. So be warned. It ain't pretty.

I'm running again and it totally SUCKS. I am so frustrated, you would not believe.

I ran on Thursday and Friday...4 miles each and they were crap. I felt tired and my legs ached. Worst of all, I felt loopy and like I was in a fog still. All I wanted to do was cry when I got home from each run.

Things in my personal life have not been that great either. I think I was depressed about the loss of my aunt and dreading her services on Saturday. I know I...we...need to say goodbye but the process is just not...good. The hardest part is seeing the people you care about hurting. After, is better. We can just be together and reminisce and think of all the good times.

Work has been hell. Too much to go into here but I have been feeling overwhelmed and stressed and hating life. I was not looking forward to Friday. Or today, for that matter. I just wanted to call in sick. I've been thinking more and more about quitting but I don't know what else I want to do.

On Friday night, it all caught up to me and I slept for 11 hours. Except for the 3 times I woke up with cramps in my right calf, that is. So when I woke up on Saturday, I decided to take another rest day and didn't run or ride. I spent the day with my family and it was nice.

I think it helped too because the 13.2 miles I ran on Sunday were okay. I felt like a runner again. Oh, they were slow but I had some of my form back. My calves were tight and my left glute, for some unknown reason, wasn't happy (probably from sitting on my a$$ too much!) but otherwise it was good.

Today's 11 miler...not so much. Just as bad as Thursday and Friday were. Worse, actually. Really bad. :(

I feel like I slid backwards 4 months, back to May when I was coming back from my foot injury and oh, so slow. I feel like I've gotten soft. Like my legs can't take the pounding. Like I'm old.

What the hell? What happened to the lightness I was feeling? My speed? My endurance? WHAT???

Did I EFF up my body that bad?

I NEED it to be better NOW. I don't have time for this. I have the Big Sur Trail Marathon on Saturday. It has 5700 ft of climbing and a 6.5 hour cut-off. I am not sure I can make that at this point. :(

And Javelina Jundred is in 33 days. I NEED to at least run the marathon on Saturday and get in an 18 (hopefully 20) miler on Sunday since I didn't get my 50 miler done. The thought of doing that makes me exhausted but I need it for my confidence.

I know it's more mental than anything for both Big Sur and JJ but what do you do when the thing you normally use to control your stress is the very thing that's causing it!

Guess what I've been doing? Yep, you guessed it. Eating. Damn it. So I'm frustrated about that too. And I just don't know how to reverse the spiral right now. Or how to get my head back in the right place.

I can feel myself closing up and that's not who I want to be. I've been there and it's not fun. It's lonely. But I don't want to whine either. No one can fix this but me so I have to make the changes to make it happen. I just don't know what to do...about a lot of things. Sigh.

I just need a little hope that I'll come back stronger. Hopefully, by Saturday or at least by Javelina Jundred.

Cross your fingers.


  1. Hang in there Lisa. I know that sounds cliche, but making it through the tough times in life, the awful runs, and the difficult things at work make us who we are. You are one tough chick, and I know that from following your blog for a while now. You always amaze me and you should give yourself credit for all the running you have been able to do! It definitely doesn't always feel good, but if it did, everyone would do it! You have strength, heart, and perseverance!

  2. We all have our slumps and struggles Lisa, hang tough, pitt will pass. I have no doubt that you will rock Big Sur this weekend. Keep your chin up and go kick some ass!

    1. Thank you for that shot of confidence. I know it will pass. I just want it to hurry!

  3. If I were you I wouldn't run at all again till this weekend no "tapering" or anything! As much as it will suck your race will be a lot better. If you need to do anything just hike! You don't want to end up like me and be out for a few months talk about going crazy haha

    1. Well, I didn't do that. :( But I think it will be okay. I hope. :)

  4. Remember why you are a runner, Lisa. Smile all the EFFs away. You're going to be great!

  5. Hi Lisa,

    Hope you are feeling better, you are awesome I love reading your blog and your training leaves me feeling exhausted!! sometimes we need the bad days to remind us to be thankful and take care of our bodies. I have just started getting a regular sports message once a month which I think helps. take care and stop beating yourself up, give yourself a break. Remember you are awesome!!

    1. Thanks Kirsten! I really think massages do help a lot.

  6. Listen to your body....remember to take deep breaths....and know that in the grand scheme of your entire running lifetime, this is a blink. I remember when my pelvis was fractured, it seemed like the "old me" would never come back. But Lisa, you will get it all back. For some reason, your body is demanding a break....and when it's had its break, you will be back to kicking @ss!

    1. Thanks Jenn. I'm sure you are right. I have zero patience with running but I need to relax more!