If You Don't Have Anything Positive To Say

Then shut the EFF up.

I'm talking to myself here. That's kind of why I've been mostly absent from Twitter. It's way to easy to wallow there and that's what I feel like doing right now. But here..here I can vent. So be warned. It ain't pretty.

I'm running again and it totally SUCKS. I am so frustrated, you would not believe.

I ran on Thursday and Friday...4 miles each and they were crap. I felt tired and my legs ached. Worst of all, I felt loopy and like I was in a fog still. All I wanted to do was cry when I got home from each run.

Things in my personal life have not been that great either. I think I was depressed about the loss of my aunt and dreading her services on Saturday. I know I...we...need to say goodbye but the process is just not...good. The hardest part is seeing the people you care about hurting. After, is better. We can just be together and reminisce and think of all the good times.

Work has been hell. Too much to go into here but I have been feeling overwhelmed and stressed and hating life. I was not looking forward to Friday. Or today, for that matter. I just wanted to call in sick. I've been thinking more and more about quitting but I don't know what else I want to do.

On Friday night, it all caught up to me and I slept for 11 hours. Except for the 3 times I woke up with cramps in my right calf, that is. So when I woke up on Saturday, I decided to take another rest day and didn't run or ride. I spent the day with my family and it was nice.

I think it helped too because the 13.2 miles I ran on Sunday were okay. I felt like a runner again. Oh, they were slow but I had some of my form back. My calves were tight and my left glute, for some unknown reason, wasn't happy (probably from sitting on my a$$ too much!) but otherwise it was good.

Today's 11 miler...not so much. Just as bad as Thursday and Friday were. Worse, actually. Really bad. :(

I feel like I slid backwards 4 months, back to May when I was coming back from my foot injury and oh, so slow. I feel like I've gotten soft. Like my legs can't take the pounding. Like I'm old.

What the hell? What happened to the lightness I was feeling? My speed? My endurance? WHAT???

Did I EFF up my body that bad?

I NEED it to be better NOW. I don't have time for this. I have the Big Sur Trail Marathon on Saturday. It has 5700 ft of climbing and a 6.5 hour cut-off. I am not sure I can make that at this point. :(

And Javelina Jundred is in 33 days. I NEED to at least run the marathon on Saturday and get in an 18 (hopefully 20) miler on Sunday since I didn't get my 50 miler done. The thought of doing that makes me exhausted but I need it for my confidence.

I know it's more mental than anything for both Big Sur and JJ but what do you do when the thing you normally use to control your stress is the very thing that's causing it!

Guess what I've been doing? Yep, you guessed it. Eating. Damn it. So I'm frustrated about that too. And I just don't know how to reverse the spiral right now. Or how to get my head back in the right place.

I can feel myself closing up and that's not who I want to be. I've been there and it's not fun. It's lonely. But I don't want to whine either. No one can fix this but me so I have to make the changes to make it happen. I just don't know what to do...about a lot of things. Sigh.

I just need a little hope that I'll come back stronger. Hopefully, by Saturday or at least by Javelina Jundred.

Cross your fingers.