Comfortable In My Own Skin

The camera and I...we have a love/hate relationship. I LOVE to take photos. Having a camera in my hand just feels right. I love the challenge of capturing the perfect moment or landscape. It makes me feel alive.

But being on the other side of the camera? That fills me with fear and dread. I swear, I cannot take a good picture for the life of me! Ok, I  guess they aren't all that bad. But the ones I like are few and far between. Of the ones from the Leading Ladies Marathon, I thought these sucked the least.

At least I'm smiling.

I guess I see the flaws when I look at pictures of me before I see anything else. I always think I look like a goofball or chubby. Or I look like I'm on drugs if I'm wearing my glasses because I usually have crossed or droopy eyes or something like that. Seriously. Maybe I'm just too picky.

It's bad enough when I have my picture taken by someone else but when I try to take my own picture...oh, boy. There's usually at least a dozen rejects before I find one that I half way like. There were 16 photos taken this morning before I liked this one.

I admire people who are able to post photos of themselves on twitter and instagram. I'm envious of their comfort in their own skin and wonder if I'll ever get to that point. How do I get to that point?

I know part of it is that I still have that fat girl lurking inside of me. I told someone recently that I was through with love. That I was getting too old to find that happily ever after. And tired of looking/hoping. But honestly, I know I haven't given up because I sometimes do look at wedding dresses and wonder...what if? So anyway, today, I was looking at an article on wedding dresses for plus-sizes and it was only after I'd started going through them that I remembered I'm not a plus-size anymore. And it made me wonder when I would get past THAT.

Remember how I said that I was more tomboy than girly while growing up? I still am that way a lot. I cut my own hair. I don't wear makeup except maybe tinted moisturizer, chapstick, and maybe eyeliner...when I remember. I never, ever wear heels. So it's not that I want to be supermodel beautiful. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin and not cringe every time I see a photo of myself.

Funnily enough, running has helped a little with that. I can't hide from the photographers on the course, after all. And I have been liking some of my race photos lately. And I even got in line to have a finish photo taken at the Leading Ladies Marathon. I think it's because running makes me feel so good. Better than I've ever felt before and that's translating itself into the photos.

If only I had that feeling all the time...