Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Anger Management

Running usually helps me deal with bad emotions. A good run feels cleansing and calming when I'm nervous or sad or angry and I can shed those feelings while I'm out there. Today, it didn't help. :( I think it's the first time that's happened.

Long story short, I let someone walk all over me. It made me mad more than anything and last night I wanted to run. Run from the anger. But I'd already run a 14 miler in the morning and I was tired so I went to bed.

When I woke up today, the anger was even worse. It felt like it filled every single pore and it felt awful. Like a darkness spreading thru me. I haven't been that mad in years. Of course, most of it was directed at myself for giving a man the power (again) to make me feel like a doormat. It didn't matter who I was mad at really, I just wanted it out! I was am an emotional eater and that's how I got to be 300+lbs. I've since figured out that anger and fear are my two biggest food binge triggers so I knew that I needed to take care of it before I did something I would regret. Like eat a whole pint of ice cream or a dozen donuts.

What I needed...wanted...was a run.

Today was supposed to be an easy run but running easy wasn't cutting it so I decided to do my favorite type of run to see if running hard would help. At mile 3, I picked it up to tempo pace. Or I tried to. My times were off and my legs had no pep. Clearly, they hadn't recovered from yesterday but I stubbornly tried to continue instead of calling it. It didn't get better. Part of it was that I couldn't focus and that's the thing I like most about tempos - I have to clear my mind of distractions to get it done. I couldn't do that today. I should have left the watch at home and just run. Or I should have taken music and put on my NIN/Disturbed/Godsmack, etc. playlist and let that playlist burn some of the anger.
I'm doing the best I ever did
I'm doing the best that I can
I'm doing the best I ever did
Now GO AWAY! ~Godsmack "Whatever"
I REALLY wish I had because when I was done, I was so frustrated I felt like sitting on the floor in my living room and crying. 

But if there's one thing I've learned in losing weight and running marathons/ultras, it's that habit will save your hide and help you get the job done. So instead of the pity party, I worked my abs like I usually do on Wednesdays and then went thru my normal morning routine and rode to work.

It was on the bike that I finally felt the anger fade. Which is kind of funny because after I got hit by the car a few years ago, I felt a lot of anger on the bike. But today it helped.

So I didn't overeat and that all consuming anger is gone. And I'm sure tomorrow's run will go much better. :)

Life goes on.


  1. So sorry to hear that...glad you know your trigger points and are able to be proactive! Hate those moments of realizing what you are to someone and how you wish you could change it! Life does go on and you still are a rockstar!