Anger Management

Running usually helps me deal with bad emotions. A good run feels cleansing and calming when I'm nervous or sad or angry and I can shed those feelings while I'm out there. Today, it didn't help. :( I think it's the first time that's happened.

Long story short, I let someone walk all over me. It made me mad more than anything and last night I wanted to run. Run from the anger. But I'd already run a 14 miler in the morning and I was tired so I went to bed.

When I woke up today, the anger was even worse. It felt like it filled every single pore and it felt awful. Like a darkness spreading thru me. I haven't been that mad in years. Of course, most of it was directed at myself for giving a man the power (again) to make me feel like a doormat. It didn't matter who I was mad at really, I just wanted it out! I was am an emotional eater and that's how I got to be 300+lbs. I've since figured out that anger and fear are my two biggest food binge triggers so I knew that I needed to take care of it before I did something I would regret. Like eat a whole pint of ice cream or a dozen donuts.

What I needed...wanted...was a run.

Today was supposed to be an easy run but running easy wasn't cutting it so I decided to do my favorite type of run to see if running hard would help. At mile 3, I picked it up to tempo pace. Or I tried to. My times were off and my legs had no pep. Clearly, they hadn't recovered from yesterday but I stubbornly tried to continue instead of calling it. It didn't get better. Part of it was that I couldn't focus and that's the thing I like most about tempos - I have to clear my mind of distractions to get it done. I couldn't do that today. I should have left the watch at home and just run. Or I should have taken music and put on my NIN/Disturbed/Godsmack, etc. playlist and let that playlist burn some of the anger.

I'm doing the best I ever did
I'm doing the best that I can
I'm doing the best I ever did
Now GO AWAY! ~Godsmack "Whatever"

I REALLY wish I had because when I was done, I was so frustrated I felt like sitting on the floor in my living room and crying. 

But if there's one thing I've learned in losing weight and running marathons/ultras, it's that habit will save your hide and help you get the job done. So instead of the pity party, I worked my abs like I usually do on Wednesdays and then went thru my normal morning routine and rode to work.

It was on the bike that I finally felt the anger fade. Which is kind of funny because after I got hit by the car a few years ago, I felt a lot of anger on the bike. But today it helped.

So I didn't overeat and that all consuming anger is gone. And I'm sure tomorrow's run will go much better. :)

Life goes on.