Wednesday, January 16, 2013

What If...

I have TWO milestones this week: tomorrow will be day 100 of my run streak and Friday is my 4 year Runiversary. I guess if I'd timed it better, I would have hit day 100 on my runiversary but I wasn't planning it so it's okay. :)

So...4 years of running. Considering how much I hated it in the beginning, if you'd have told me I'd be running every day and loving it, I'd have said:

I love that clip! It's my favorite quote from the movie. :) Anyway, back to the runiversary thing...

While I'm happy that I fell in love with running and that I've been running for 4 years, I can't help but feel a little bit of regret that I didn't start running earlier. Like 10, 20, or more importantly...30 years ago. I can't help wondering how my life would be different.

So many of the bad decisions I've made and all the times I hurt the people I love were because I hated myself. I know it sounds harsh but I was a total screw up. Overweight, unhealthy, in serious debt, a college drop-out, always alone...I can't even begin to tell you how much I hated life. I was depressed and angry and overwhelmed and scared. Sometimes I was scared to be alone because I...I used to hurt myself. So yeah, I hurt myself, I ate A LOT, and I bought shit I didn't need. All because I couldn't deal with my emotions and I used them as an outlet so I wouldn't drive off a cliff. Yes, that thought entered my mind...more than once.

I made so many mistakes. I still cry and cringe when I think about some of them. I haven't totally forgiven myself. I should. I know. It just hasn't happened yet.

So I wonder what would have happened if I'd had running as an outlet when I was 14, if Friday was going to be my 30th Runiversary instead of my 4th. Would I have gained all that weight? Would I have accumulated all that debt? Had to deal with high blood pressure and a bad back and bad knees? Would I have dropped out of college, not once but twice? Would I have the job I really wanted instead of the one I settled for? Would I have fallen for a man who shredded my heart and confidence? Would I be married and have children now? Would I have loved myself enough to let someone else love me too?

I know I can't go back and change things. I know that I have to live with the life I have. And it's not a bad life. I worked hard to clean up my life: lost weight, got healthy, and paid off my debt. I'm having fun and traveling places I never thought I'd get to see. Actually, I have an amazing life right now. :)

It's just...what could I have done, what could I have accomplished if I hadn't waited until I was 40 to build the life I wanted? Who would I be if I'd been happy all those years from 15 to 40.

I know that running isn't the only thing that makes me a happy and whole woman right now but I have to tell you that because I'm running, I feel calmer and stronger and more ready to deal with things that go wrong. I feel more beautiful, more sexy, and more fun than I ever felt before and part of that is because I love how my body can move now and how far my legs can take me. It gives me confidence in my body I NEVER had before. That makes be feel like Wonder Woman.

The woman I am now...Lisa the runner...doesn't need to buy things to feel better. She doesn't need to settle for a man who doesn't love her but won't let her go. She doesn't need to eat to find comfort. She isn't scared anymore. She doesn't feel like she has to hide. She's happy. I'm happy. :)

But still...just what if...

What if this Lisa had existed all along?

Life is too short to waste 25 years.

I wish I hadn't.


  1. Congratulations! on both of your milestones.

    As for regrets, well ... at least you *look* a lot younger than 40. Additionally, you started running at a younger age than someone who started running at, say, 46.


  2. That is one of the best posts EVER, Lisa! So insightful and moving - brought tears to my eyes. I'm glad you are so happy and healthy now, and I hope someday you can forgive yourself. I have been a competitive athlete (almost) all of my life, and still made plenty of really bad decisions. Unfortunately, I think bad decisions are just a part of life, and if it wasn't for some of them, I don't think we'd ever have the courage to step outside the box and try something special. I know plenty of women who did everything "perfectly" and now they are making bad decisions in their forties.

    You rock, Sister!

    1. Thanks Carilyn. I know that I things might not have been different and for sure they could be worse so I guess I had to go thru all that to get where I am today.

  3. Greetings! I've been following your blog for a long time now and finally got the bravery to go ahead and give you a shout out from Lubbock Texas! Just wanted to mention keep up the good work!
    My blog -

  4. Lisa, your life experiences is what makes you who you are. You may not be at the competative level that you would like, but you do have a very positive the impact on the sport.
    By the run streak lasted 26 days...then BOOM!! But I am still running,biking and working out. Congrats on your runstreak!!

    1. Thanks Deb! I was wondering how you are doing. It's okay. I am seriously thinking about ending mine. I just get stubborn. :)

  5. Great post again Lisa,

    Try not to be too hard on yourself. We all co coulda, woulda, shoulda but the difference is you are doing it now. You are now in the minority most people would have stayed on the downward spiral but you had the spirit of mind to lift yourself up and change almost everything about yourself, to me that is AWESOME.
    Take Care

  6. You actually make it seem so easy with your presentation but
    I find this topic to be really something which I think I would never understand.
    It seems too complex and extremely broad for me.
    I'm looking forward for your next post, I'll try to get the hang of it!
    Feel free to surf my web page Erotic

  7. I got this site from my pal who shared with me regarding this site and now this time I am visiting this web site and reading very informative articles or reviews here.

    Also visit my blog

  8. I know exactly how you feel. I didn't start running until I was 54 and I've had so much success that I've often wondered how much I'd have achieved if I'd started 40 years earlier. Regardless, running has given me so much pleasure, not to mention the best years of my life. What's more, it's still going on. Just like yours.
    I read a wonderful quote today by Ellen MacArthur, round the world yachtswoman. She said: "The biggest thing that will ever happen to you is always in front of you, and the moment you think it's not, then life gets a bit boring"
    So carry on running and dreaming Lisa, the best may be yet to come.

    1. Thank you! I love that quote. I wish you the same. :)

  9. Pretty! This has been a really wonderful post.
    Thank you for supplying this info.

    My web page :: cheap party pills

  10. I was curious if you ever conѕidered changіng thе layout of your website?
    Its very well wгitten; I love what youvе got
    to say. But maybe you could а lіttle more in
    the way of content so peоple cоuld сonneсt with it bettеr.
    Youve got an awful lot оf tехt for only hаving one or 2
    pictures. Maуbe yοu could space it out better?

    Feel free to surf to my web-ѕitе;
    Premature ejaculation pills