What If...

I have TWO milestones this week: tomorrow will be day 100 of my run streak and Friday is my 4 year Runiversary. I guess if I'd timed it better, I would have hit day 100 on my runiversary but I wasn't planning it so it's okay. :)

So...4 years of running. Considering how much I hated it in the beginning, if you'd have told me I'd be running every day and loving it, I'd have said:

I love that clip! It's my favorite quote from the movie. :) Anyway, back to the runiversary thing...

While I'm happy that I fell in love with running and that I've been running for 4 years, I can't help but feel a little bit of regret that I didn't start running earlier. Like 10, 20, or more importantly...30 years ago. I can't help wondering how my life would be different.

So many of the bad decisions I've made and all the times I hurt the people I love were because I hated myself. I know it sounds harsh but I was a total screw up. Overweight, unhealthy, in serious debt, a college drop-out, always alone...I can't even begin to tell you how much I hated life. I was depressed and angry and overwhelmed and scared. Sometimes I was scared to be alone because I...I used to hurt myself. So yeah, I hurt myself, I ate A LOT, and I bought shit I didn't need. All because I couldn't deal with my emotions and I used them as an outlet so I wouldn't drive off a cliff. Yes, that thought entered my mind...more than once.

I made so many mistakes. I still cry and cringe when I think about some of them. I haven't totally forgiven myself. I should. I know. It just hasn't happened yet.

So I wonder what would have happened if I'd had running as an outlet when I was 14, if Friday was going to be my 30th Runiversary instead of my 4th. Would I have gained all that weight? Would I have accumulated all that debt? Had to deal with high blood pressure and a bad back and bad knees? Would I have dropped out of college, not once but twice? Would I have the job I really wanted instead of the one I settled for? Would I have fallen for a man who shredded my heart and confidence? Would I be married and have children now? Would I have loved myself enough to let someone else love me too?

I know I can't go back and change things. I know that I have to live with the life I have. And it's not a bad life. I worked hard to clean up my life: lost weight, got healthy, and paid off my debt. I'm having fun and traveling places I never thought I'd get to see. Actually, I have an amazing life right now. :)

It's just...what could I have done, what could I have accomplished if I hadn't waited until I was 40 to build the life I wanted? Who would I be if I'd been happy all those years from 15 to 40.

I know that running isn't the only thing that makes me a happy and whole woman right now but I have to tell you that because I'm running, I feel calmer and stronger and more ready to deal with things that go wrong. I feel more beautiful, more sexy, and more fun than I ever felt before and part of that is because I love how my body can move now and how far my legs can take me. It gives me confidence in my body I NEVER had before. That makes be feel like Wonder Woman.

The woman I am now...Lisa the runner...doesn't need to buy things to feel better. She doesn't need to settle for a man who doesn't love her but won't let her go. She doesn't need to eat to find comfort. She isn't scared anymore. She doesn't feel like she has to hide. She's happy. I'm happy. :)

But still...just what if...

What if this Lisa had existed all along?

Life is too short to waste 25 years.

I wish I hadn't.