Never Say Never

 My niece, Morgan, used to say "I'll never..." a lot when she was 4:

I'll never be a dog!
I'll never get to ride the bus!
I'll never get to go to school!

Being the loving aunt that I am, I often remind her of that last one. ;)

Honestly though, I've said that phrase a lot too:

I"ll never be a runner.
I'll never run a marathon.
I'll never run a marathon...again. ;)
I'll never run an ultra.
I'll never wear shorts.
I'll never wear tanks.
I'll never wear only a sports bra on a run. (well, with shorts of course).
I'll never take a good race picture.

But never say never, eh? I've already done a few of those "I"ll never"s. Obviously, the running ones are no brainers seeing as how I've done 5 marathons and 4 ultras and have a bunch more planned. They are all just about putting one foot in front of the other. And erasing boundaries.

The others, the clothes and the picture ones...those are harder because those get right to the heart of my biggest insecurities: my body.

I vowed I would never wear shorts or tanks or even short sleeves because after the weight I lost, there was some jiggle. But I finally got past that and now I wear shorts and tanks most of the year. (You know, because I live in SoCal and the weather is awesome all year. Or at least 95% of the time. ;) I'm a brat, I know.) I still think about what other people see when I'm running. I just don't let it stop me from wearing them anymore.

So far, I've hated almost all of my race pics. I usually still "see" the old fat girl in my pics and/or I look like I'm plodding along not much faster than walking or my eyes are closed or I have death face going on. Then surprise... I actually loved one of my pics! This pic is what I feel like when I'm running most days - light and graceful and strong. FINALLY, someone captured it. I'm not imagining it! Woo! :)

So that's most of my issues resolved. Seriously though, the one about only running in a sports bra? For sure, that wouldn't happen. I think.

I've noticed women of all shapes and sizes running in just sports bras at trail races and they look so comfortable. So confident. I've been wondering if I have that in me. I was so, so close at the Nanny Goat. There was a time in the afternoon when the sun was out and I was really hot and when I stopped by my chair, I took off my shirt to reapply Body Glide. For a few seconds, I thought "I'm just going to leave my shirt here". But then I couldn't do it. So I put it back on. Plus, I was wearing my Run It Fast shirt and I needed it for luck.

Then yesterday, I was browsing Running Warehouse and I saw this tank and it said it was mesh and I thought it would be good for summer running. (Oh, and I picked up some new kicks, shorts, calf sleeves, and Scaps.) But when it arrived today, I saw it was really see through. Like totally. And frankly, that's a little scary. For me anyway. Would I have the guts to wear it in the daylight? Where people could see...everything. I mean, I'd be wearing a sports bra underneath but it would still show my not so six pack abs. Yikes!

When I got home I tried it on and it's not too bad. I think. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to wear it. In public. Yeah, I can. Of course, I can. Why not?

*hyperventilating*

No, no, it's not that bad.

Yes, yes, it is. Why can't I let it go?!?!

I'm running the Mojave Narrows Half Marathon on Saturday in the high desert. It's supposed to be 91 there on Saturday and I don't know if there will be any shade. I guess that would be as good a time as any to try it out, right? So I'm GOING to wear it. I swear.

Oh, Lord.

Wish me luck!

Have a great weekend and good luck if you are racing!