On The Mend...Mostly

It's now a little more than 3 weeks post surgery. I am recovering pretty well physically. I still get really tired but my stamina is growing. I started out with 3 10 minute walks a day and then went to 2 20 minute walks. Now I'm doing a 30 minute walk and then a 15-20 minute walk a day. Slowly but surely I'm getting stronger though I'm surprised at how tired I am after 30 minutes. I have to be careful not to overdo it. I definitely overdid it this weekend and have been sleeping a LOT the past few days to recover from it. I think I'm back on track now.

I can eat normal food again. It was an issue for a while. Some things are still not good for my stomach. I found out the hard way that pizza is still a no go and so is salad. I haven't had a burrito since before the surgery and I'm having MAJOR withdrawals but I'm afraid to try it yet. Soon. Hopefully.

The staples are all out and the scar is healing up. It still hurts to laugh and cough and sneeze. Who knew you used your stomach muscles for SO much. It even hurts to blow my nose! My doctor said I could try running and riding again in another 3 weeks or so. But no weights, sit-ups, push ups, etc. for 3 months. I see the oncologist next Tuesday and will find out what my chemo treatments will be.

*Warning - emotional dump ahead - proceed at your own risk!*

So, like I said...physically I'm doing pretty well. Emotionally...that is another story. And that is where I really miss running. Right now, I don't have an out for everything I'm feeling and I find myself crying at the weirdest times. I'm frustrated easily and I get so mad sometimes. I need to talk to someone but I'm not sure if I should talk to someone I don't know or one of my friends. I need to look for a support group, I think.

I feel sad, mad, frustrated, scared, ugly, jealous, hurt, and nervous.

I feel like I've been there for other people thru this but I haven't really let anyone be there for me. Like I have to protect them. Or that I wasn't sick enough to ask for help. I don't know.

Maybe I'm just tired.

I still feel nauseous on most days still. That makes me afraid the cancer is still there or that it is coming back. Because of that, I'm looking forward to getting the chemo over with. I'm dreading it but I want to make sure the cancer is gone! But then in my reading, I see that this type of cancer can be recurring. But if they took everything...wouldn't that mean it couldn't come back? I also apparently have to watch out for breast cancer now. Will I ever get over this fear? How do you get over the fear?

Speaking of taking everything...I don't know if my emotions are out of whack because of being thrown into instant menopause. I still have all that to figure out. Apparently, it's unlikely I'll get hormones to help with it because of the possibility of breast cancer. Besides the cancer, this is the thing that makes me most sad and angry. People keep telling me how lucky I am that I won't have to deal with a period anymore and I want to scream at them. I have ZERO chance of having a child now. NONE. Why would I be happy about that? I never in a million years imagined I wouldn't have children. It's just not fair. I know I'm 45 and for the most part I'd accepted it wouldn't happen but it hurts. It really hurts.I feel like a complete failure.

On top of everything else, I'm losing my hair already. My stupid body has always betrayed me like this when I'm stressed. When I as 12 and my parents divorced, my hair fell out. Yeah, not fun for a 12 year old girl. And then when I was hit by a car, I got two bald spots. I feel so old and ugly right now. I hate the way my body feels and how out of shape I am. I feel like I aged 10 years in the past 3 months.

I want this to have never happened. I want to not have cancer. I want to not have to worry about doctor visits and treatments and if my insurance will cover it. I want my body back the way it was. I just want to be strong and whole again.

Fucking cancer! I hate it.

The C Word

So I had the surgery to remove the cyst.

There was bad news but also good news.

I had/have ovarian cancer.

They took all of my female organs and my appendix and took a sampling of my lymph nodes. They thought they got it all and that it was Stage 1 but we had to wait for labs to come back to be sure. We got the labs back this morning and they were negative! So it was very early and contained to the one ovary. My case will go before a tumor board and they will decide on the best course of action but I will have to have chemo.

He said actually that it was considered Stage 1c because the cyst had burst and there was some fluid but he was very positive and happy with the results.

So am I! I really had hoped there wasn't cancer there. When I woke up from surgery, I asked what time it was and they said 1pm so I knew right away they had had to do all he anticipated. When he came to tell me that it was cancer and they had removed everything, I felt calm. I don't know why but I wasn't scared or angry. Ha, maybe it was the drugs still. ;)

I am still in the hospital but hope to go home this afternoon or tomorrow. Mostly it's because I just started eating last night. I feel pretty good though. The pain is minimal and I am walking around. I actually feel kind of peppy. Which is probably because I'm so relieved right now.

The plan now is to recover quickly and smart. And move past this so I can get back to being me.

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers! Your support has been awesome. :)